Grandma's Eulogy

On behalf of Polly’s granddaughters, we thank you for coming today. Seeing all these people is a refreshing reminder of how many lives grandma touched. We’ve know this day was inevitable, but as the years went on, we thought maybe, just maybe, Grandma would be able to escape God’s fate. We are so blessed to have had the time we had – she was there though all of life’s major milestones – graduations, first jobs, marriages, first houses, and babies…lots of babies. Despite all this…just shy of 91 years...it still wasn’t enough time together.

Grandma Polly was the absolute best grandma. She was all things every grandma should be. She spoiled us rotten. She managed to make each of us feel like we were the most special gift God could have given her. We were each her favorite. She never forgot to remind us how proud we made her.

We could stand up here for hours talking about Grandma – how she was genuine, loving, kind, generous, outgoing, passionate, honest… Grandma would actually probably like that – she always liked a little bit of the spotlight; however, we decided to share with you the many ways in which her unique spirit continues to live on in us.

Grandma Polly loved smut magazines. She was constantly buying trashy magazines at the store. To this day, I cannot walk by a grocery checkout without thinking of her and smiling. She loved reading the National Inquirer. That was her absolute favorite – as she was sure that it was all true. We finally convinced her there was “better” trash to read, and she became a faithful subscriber to People and US Weekly. One of the best parts of visiting grandma was being able to sift through her magazines. Grandma also knew her stuff. During her prime, she could go toe to toe on current Hollywood events. She loved keeping up with the stars. She always had a comment on the Bachelor’s selection, Britney’s latest antics, or whether Miley is growing up too fast. We too love our People and US Weekly. Back when Paige was living at home, Friday afternoons, Mom and Paige would stalk the mailman waiting for People and US Weekly to arrive. Trash magazines get read cover to cover by all individuals in our household. We occasionally indulge in something like “OK” which would make Grandma really proud!

Grandma Polly loved all things Regis Philbin. That included Kathy Lee, Kelly Ripa, Gelman, and the entire crew. Regis was part of her morning routine – bacon, eggs, coffee, vitamins and Live with Regis and Kelly. She didn’t miss an episode. One of her favorite memories was when Uncle Ronnie took her to see the show live. She couldn’t stop talking about it. On top of being in her favorite city of New York, she got to see Regis in person. She was captivated. Inspired by grandma, I think Courtney, Paige and Kelsey are faithful Regis and Kelly watchers.

Grandma loved her garbage snack food. She loved her morning, afternoon, and bedtime snacks. She loved everything – sweet, salty, or greasy. When we think back to the snacks she loved – it makes my stomach hurt – honey buns, little Debbie nutty bars, drumsticks, any variation of cheese cracker, anything made by Entenmann’s bakery, and her favorite of all…Cheese Puffs. She loved the old fashion cheese puffs – the ones that came in a can. They had to be the ones in a can. I can almost remember their taste and how they would dissolve in your mouth. At night, she would grab a glass of milk and a can of cheese puffs and head off to bed. She loved this snack most of all. The key to 91 years – nightly milk and cheese puffs. If you open her nightstand, there was always a can of cheese puffs. Unfortunately, I think we all share her love of garbage snack food!

Grandma was always very busy with paperwork. We always knew when Uncle Ronnie was coming to town, because she couldn’t make it to Sunday dinner - she would be busy with paperwork in preparation of his arrival. Rarely would you walk into her house without seeing her sitting at the table with a pencil, calculator, and a yellow legal pad. She was also a fanatical coupon clipper and her table was always littered with piles of coupons – organized in rubber bands by the store where she wanted to use the coupon. She loved shopping at her local Vons Pavilion and Target. Speaking of paperwork – Grandma Polly also had files on everyone. Grandma loved to loan money. More than she loved loaning money, she loved keeping track of everything in her files. The minute you gave her a check, she would enter it into your “file” and give you a carbon receipt. She loved…loved… loved… working on her paperwork and her files. We all have “grandma” tendencies when it comes to paperwork. I clip coupons and I don’t even go to the grocery store. We all have different “paperwork” files. Paige carries around a notebook that she is constantly referencing whenever you ask her something. Courtney used to carry around a file of every single receipt for every single purchase she’s ever made.

Grandma was always prepared for a natural disaster of apocalyptic proportions. She had three refrigerators/freezers and a pantry that could rival 18 Kids and Counting. Her garage was always stocked with extra food. Her medicine closet had more inventory than the local pharmacy. She owned more toilet paper and tissue than one could use in an entire lifetime. She could have survived and flourished for years without ever leaving the house. Courtney is so Grandma Polly in this regard. If the apocalypse comes, head straight for John and Courtney’s house.

Grandma Polly was famous for cooking three things: (1) deviled eggs; (2) bean dip; and (3) ranch dressing. I don’t know what she did or how she did it, but no-one has been able to duplicate her recipes. Kelsey is coming in a close second – she must have her secret ingredients. Every single get together we have involves Grandma’s Bean Dip and her Ranch Dressing. I have no doubt that our kids’ kids will be sitting around eating Grandma Polly’s Bean Dip and Grandma Polly’s ranch dressing. It was that good.

Grandma loved medicine. She wanted nothing more than to be a nurse. She was all about the homeopathic remedies. Everything could be cured with one of three things: (1) fresh aloe vera; (2) garlic and onions; or (3) vitamin E oil. She was fanatical about washing hands – “you never know what your hands have touched” she would say. She insisted eating parsley was good for you, brushing your teeth with baking soda was the only way to get really white teeth, and soaking your feet in Epson salt would flat out make you feel better. And then there was her golden rule – NEVER wear underwear to bed. On numerous occasions, I’ve heard people in our family repeat Grandma’s rule - “never wear underwear to bed – you have to air out at night!”

Grandma Polly lived a great life. She was loved by everyone. She cherished her family. She loved God. One can ask for nothing more. Before we close, I know there are a few things Grandma would want us to say.

To Mom, Dad, Uncle Ronnie and Marc – thank you. Thank you for modeling to us how to care for someone you love. Thank you for your sacrifices. Grandma wanted nothing more than to die in the comfort of her own home and you made that happen. Even when she no longer knew where she was, you supported her wishes.

And to Thelma – words cannot express how grateful we are. You are living proof of God’s love and a testament to His presence here on earth. We are so blessed to have you in our lives. Seeing how you cared for our Grandma was life changing – the love, compassion, and devotion you showed her. Thank you will never be enough…but thank you a million times over.

And so, dear Grandma, as you pass from this earthly life, continue to watch over us and keep us safe. You are our guardian angel in heaven. You leave us with many memories – times of family, of laughter, and of love. Our hearts are saddened as we think of missing your physical presence – but we know, in more ways than we can recount, that your spirit lives on. You’ve taught us well. We love you. Rest in peace, Grandma.